Saturday night. Tea marathon. Fifth re-read of the First in the series. An eleven year old orphan who lived. A half-giant friend. A wonderful Headmaster with twinkling eyes. Two amazing friends. The Mirror of Erised.
I show not your face but your heart’s desire. Erised.
Not surprising at all, this entity, which kept showing up here and there in the first few books, turned out to be quite intriguing. When most of us read the book for the very first time, the simplest things in life – like staying up late way past your bedtime to finish that book – might have made us the happiest. When I read it for the second, third, and fourth times, staying up started becoming a routine, life started happening, and priorities drastically changed. So, now when you think about it, silently sipping your tea, with Bohemian Rhapsody playing in the background – what do you think you’d see in the Mirror?
I am definitely not altruistic and noble enough, like this one friend I happen to know – to ask for World peace and all those huge, big things. Nah. Actually, most of us are not. We are fighters, to say the least. And this one thing about fighters is that after a point of time, we start turning into existentialists. So one thing that’s pretty sure is if you happen to look into the Mirror, the stuff you’ll see would mostly be related to your fundamental existence. Which, being an Ayn Rand fan, I do not believe is wrong on any front.
So now, as a kid trapped inside an adult, if you think straight – the things that you’d want to see in the Mirror of Erised range from extremely naive to vehemently spooky:
An illustrious career vs a balanced social life. Crazy, passionate love-life vs staying as free as a bird. Having amazing people in your life vs struggling to make them stay. Being your own capable rock bottom vs having a safety net of some souls who would hold onto you during nights when the self-destruct mode is at its peak. Kindling the inner spark indefinitely vs learning how to handle the burns when the fire rages dispassionately out of control.
What do you wish for the most?
Going back in time and reliving the best days ever? Choose a different, simpler alternative? Choose a rote learned path and cast off the adventurous opportunity knocking by? Not love as you loved? Not be as vulnerable as you were, as you still are? Not wear your heart on your sleeve and yet portray being a practical, soul-less moron?
Why pick just one of them? Why not all of them?
It’s a battleground in there when it comes to settling in for just one thing. Some 10 years back, we would have wanted the things that we wanted, without having to think of whether they are rational or not. But now, we start weighing stuff placing them in buckets of relevance, importance to our existence, survival entities, and ambitious stepping stones. Which is what makes this entire quest extremely interesting.
As much as we hate growing up, moving out of that comfort zone, and finding new ways in unknown lands altogether, it does have some perks associated with it. Biggest perk – or let’s say, the biggest advantage? Not feeling the need to explain yourself to anyone anymore. But sometimes, it becomes kind of a cliche. People ask you why you are the way you are. And all you do is give a bleak, faint smile.
“Why are you turning into a workaholic freak?”
If you don’t work now, then when? And freak or not, who cares? You love doing it!!
“Hey! What’s with these new anti-social whims and fancies?! See some people, maybe?”
Wow. Since when does seeking a bit of solitude classify as being anti-social?
“Why are you so recklessly impulsive?”
Where’s the fun in being morosely slow about things? Time’s running out, duh.
“We never thought you had this side to you!”
Well, happy realization.
But you don’t say all those things. Because no matter what you say, you won’t be able to convince them with your reasons. Because they are YOUR reasons. They make sense only to you. If anybody else hears them out, they’ll find you fit to be on the receiving end of the therapist”s chair. And mind you, it’s not their fault. They are concerned, and they are right too. Which is possibly why your explanations are misconstrued by them into thinking that you actually don’t care about yourself. And you being a jerk, end up saying stuff like, “The heart has its reasons, and they aren’t debate topics.*” (My amazing writer friend will cringe at this statement) And then, the discussion ends – right there. Down the drain.
So all you do, is helplessly smile, and let it go for some other day. So maybe, if I were to look into the Mirror, I may find myself providing a satisfactory justification to the people who matter the most, as to why things are the way they are. (Dayum! Another Imtiaz Ali plot!!)
One advantage of being an introvert is that you get to observe a lot. And if you observe carefully, you’ll find every second soul craving for a vent to very loudly and clearly shout out to the entire universe, their own unique story. So I guess this might be the one deepest, most desperate desire that millennials can relate to. Having said that, we all know how it goes with the head and the heart. The head is right now mocking your extremely poor, irrational, and idiotic choice of the most desperate desire. And fortunately or unfortunately, these two need to coexist and be in sync for maintaining the already depleting reserves of sanity. So no. Even this is not what we would see in the mirror. Not because we want nothing, but because sometimes it is just difficult to make a choice. This ain’t existential crisis. This is actually an overdose of existentialism.
So there we go. Fifth re-read. And a blank mirror again.
Or no. Wait. I guess I know of at least one thing that I desperately want after a long, workaholic, tiring, exciting, and intriguing week –
A relaxing head massage. And another cup of tea.
Yep. That should do for now. The most desperate desire as being seen in the Mirror of Erised..!
Cheers! 🙂
*Quote by Robert Brault
Photo credits: Baby brother. :*
Musings of a Nyctophiliac..! 